Apples to Apples

I love a good debate regarding politics and various viewpoints, but I did not like the political experience I had today.

I had to sit through a Manifastation Determination hearing. For those who are not yet familiat with this, it is an aspect of special ed where you have to determine if a child’s poor behavior is due to their disability or because something is going unaddressed.

In this case, the argument could have been made in either direction for this particular child. It isn’t so much having to go through that - though it is taxing. It was the whole discussion that went with it. The principal and head of  special ed were on one side while the other special ed teacher, spec ed coordinater, social worker, and parents were on the other. I had no idea which was I planned to vote, so I sat quiet trying to weigh all info and make the best choice for the child. The two sides argued and argued and man, were they nasty. It was clear that there are several years of tension and disrespect behind it and I just felt completely stuck.

When the paper came around to sign and mark which box you agreed with, I was coerced into marking the same as the othed spec ed teacher. I don’t feel good about my decision. I feel worse that I let myself be bullied. I feel like I want to run to the principal and tattled that my coteacher intimidates me into doing things I don’t agree with.

I am having a very hard time balancing my ethics and my professionalism at this job. I decided today that I am putting in for a transfer to get out of this position. I don’t who I can trust in this building and who I can listen to.

My coteacher keeps telling me half truths or forgetting to tell me things or not showing up on important days knowing full well I am unprepared. My coordinator is aparently too busy to stop in and make sure I’m not drowning, and my principal is in his first year and just as lost as I am (at least it seems that way). I feel like I have no where to turn and the evil one is constantly tricking me and making me fell like an ass in front of the rest of the staff.

Like I said, I’ve decided to transfer next year, but what am I to do until June? Should I talk to the principal even though I’m not sure I trust him (I don’t trust anyone at my school, so sad)? Should I just keep my mouth shut and vent online here at my blog? I feel like that 12 year old girl who just wanted to fit and did stupid shit to make others accept her. I am too damn old to act like that, but I can’t come up with any other option.

What’s your call?

So I have made the move across country. I have gotten my certification. I have started the job. It is a job I didn’t even want to interview for, but I reminded myself it is not easy to get into public school in IL and I had to go. I dragged myself down to the school that August morning and landed a job. I was going to teach 6th grade Language Arts and Social Studies…..to Special Ed. I know enough about myself to know that I have strength and patience, but just not enough for spec ed. I was told the students were mostly 4th grade level and ADHD - well, gees that doesn’t sound so spec ed to me. That’s what I was coming from. Then I started and saw what it really was. 

With half of the first quarter gone, I’m still not seeing the class I was told about in the interview. These students are all over the map in ability - from not even recognizing their own last name on a flashcard, to me wondering why they are even in my class to begin with. Now pile on the behavior disabilities, throw in two MMR students who stare at me blankly when asked the most basic of questions, and you’ve got my mix. I have my work cut out for me. It is the hardest job I’ve ever had.

Walking back from PE last week, I just wanted to crumble up and whine and whine and whine, then whine some more. I just had a little mental pity party and found myself saying that I am a 4th grade teacher stuck in a junior high. I feel completely trapped and dread going to school everyday. I count down the days between days off, hoping that reminding myself there is a small break coming will get me through that week.

Every morning I try to muster up the positive energy and smiles and every day by 10 they are gone. It is exhausting trying to pretend that I am happy at my new job. I can’t give up though. I couldn’t imagine the guilt and shame I would feel if my students could ever tell how I was feeling.